Sitting in the other person's seat is pretty much like walking a mile in someone else's shoes. My empathy gauge doesn't naturally sit on full based on my personality type. I'm the guy that doesn't want anyone to feel sorry for me, and I don't want anyone to think I can't do something on my own. That translates into a mindset that if I'm like that, then everyone else should be, and so there isn't any need for empathy towards their situation. Not a good place to be. It is easy to say things like, "if I was in that position, I would do this or that." The problem with that is I can't really guarantee my response to adversity until I've sat in their seat or walked in their shoes. That thought became even more clear earlier this week as I listened to an episode of Focus on the Family on the radio.
Guy Doud was named National Teacher of the Year in 1986, and on this particular episode of Focus on the Family, Doud was the guest speaker. As an educator and motivational speaker, the subject of a vast majority of Doud's messages has an educational basis. During this message, Guy talked about a couple of students that he had in class that just did not perform or even give enough effort to provide them with a grade. Mr. Doud was a high school English teacher so reading literature, writing essays, and then correcting grammar errors were all at the core of his classroom instruction. The two students Doud referred to showed very little interest in what he was teaching and he had pretty much written them off as unmotivated or even more so, lazy.
As Doud wove his story to the climax, he shared that his whole attitude towards these two particular students changed when he gained a little deeper insight into the lives these two young people were living. First, there was a young man that sat distanced from others in the classroom, never smiling, basically placing his head down on the desk most days with little effort. One day before others entered the room Guy had a chance to talk with the young man about his weekend plans. The young adult looked up at Doud and preceded to tell him that he hadn't seen his mom since he was a little boy and he was going to meet here that weekend. You see the mom had abandoned her kids and never looked back he explained. You think he might have been dealing with feelings of inadequacy or lack of worth all those years?
Then Mr. Doud shared a story about a female student that would complete journal assignments with a sentence or two if he was lucky enough to receive that. One day in class he assigned a topic to "Write about something that I might need to know about you". Consequently, that evening when Doud sat down to grade journals, he found a journal entry that made him question the relevance of having his students write about the theme of a short story by Steinbeck, or what the prepositional phrase in a sentence diagram was. This young lady had been forced to have an abortion recently against the girl’s wishes. She was on the outs with her parents, and she was feeling tremendous amounts of remorse and regret over the decision her parents made concerning her body and her unborn child.
It doesn't matter if you are a teacher or not, you work with people, interact with people, or you may even live with someone that has something unsettled in their life that is so deep rooted that their lives just don't matter to them right now. The problem is if you don't know the situation you can't begin to have empathy for that person's plight. Not knowing the life stories of those around us could lead us to a stance that wants to just say "suck it up buttercup!" But what Guy Doud did after learning about the stories of these two particular students is what made the difference. After learning about the reasons why these two students seemed so disassociated with their education and life he started going in early in the morning before the doors even opened to students and he sat in their seats and prayed for each of them individually. But how did that change their lives you may ask? Well that's between them and God, but my guess is God heard Doud's prayers and then used him to make a difference in the lives of those young people.
The first change came in the life of Guy Doud. When he sat in the young man's seat and started thinking about what it would feel like to have a mother that thought so little of you that she walked away and had not made contact with you over the past 16 or 17 years, it changed the way Guy Doud looked at that young man sitting in his seat. When he sat in the young female student's seat Guy thought about how difficult it must be thinking about the life that was lost and how she would live with that memory for the rest of her life. When Doud sat in her seat he could at least empathize with her situation and then work to help her find a way to move forward.
It isn't sympathy, it is all about empathy. We don't want to feel sorry for someone and then make excuses for their actions or emotions, but we do want to walk a mile in their shoes. When we do that, it should make a difference in how we interact with the other person. We can realize and understand a little better why things might be the way they are. We might even be able to relate to the other person's situation a little better due to a similar circumstance in our own background. Sitting in the other person's seat gives us a new perspective and a new opportunity to intercede on behalf of that person's life.
What did Jesus do when he arrived at the home of Mary and Martha after they had sent a message to Him about their deathly ill brother Lazarus? He sat in their seat, realizing the loss and pain that they were experiencing, “Jesus wept.” John 11:35. If Jesus wept with Mary and Martha then we should weep right alongside our fellow man or woman when life's circumstances are too much to handle. Should we stay there and wallow in the pity and despair? Absolutely not. Should we pray for guidance? Yes. Should we pray for intervention from God on the situation? Yes, absolutely! Slow down before you make a decision about that other person, walk a mile in their shoes or just sit down in their seat so you can gain a different perspective on what that other person is going through! What you give may very well be given back to you! "Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.” Luke 6:38.
Coach CarterGuy Doud / Focus on the Family
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