What's the first thing you do when you get into a disagreement? Do you jump right in the fray and state your case because you know you are in the right? Or, do you pass judgement on the other person because of the way they look or the words they are saying even before you give them a chance to share their thoughts and their perspective on the situation? Well, in the Book of James, the author gives us a formula on how we, as Christ followers, should enter a disagreement with family, friends, or even that complete stranger who has entered your personal bubble.
In James 1:19 James shares the following steps on how to effectively work through disputes and avoid arguments, "... Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry ...". The way I interpret James guidance is more of a 2:1 ratio in being slow to do certain things and then being quick to do the one thing that can dissipate a disagreement effectively. Our job today is to gain a better understanding of the aforementioned formula, Slow + Slow + Quick = Christlike relationships.
So, what does it mean to be slow to speak and slow to get angry? Well the first part is pretty easy, don't talk. The first thing many people want to do in an argument is defend their position and win the disagreement. In their mind there is no doubt, they know best and if the other person would just listen to them then they too would come to a better understanding and a place of agreement with them. Sound familiar? Don't worry, I've been there myself, probably more times than I'd like to admit. King Solomon, recognized as one of the wisest men of all time provided a full chapter in Proverbs to the topic of disagreements and the vast majority of wise counsel provided by Solomon directs us to listen before speaking, "Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish." Proverbs 18:13 NLT and "Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions." Proverbs 18:2 NIV. Sounds like sound advice from wise counsel to me. To avoid arguments be slow to speak. From there the second slow down suggestion is be slow to anger. Anger is defined as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. What if instead of delving into a state of being annoyed and hostile, we slowed down and sat in the other person's seat for just a moment. An antonym of sorts for the emotion of anger is empathy. We can still disagree with another person's point of view, but giving a moment to consider the circumstances that might be framing someone's stance gives us the ability to view things a little differently. To show empathy requires us to slow down and not give our two cents worth. Our opinion may not change, but giving a little grace instead of a harsh response may be the very thing that helps us avoid an argument.
The third component in our equation today is to be quick to listen. It would appear obvious that if we are being slow to speak and slow to anger then listening would be the only other option. Au contraire mon frère, to truly listen means we not only hear what the other person is saying, but we also have to take in what is being said and then apply the empathic olive branch to it. As we listen we gain a better understanding of the other person's frustration. Over the years I have mentored educators and administrators to listen to an irate parent or guardian before saying a word, sometimes they just want to be heard! How can we ever find a resolution if we don't fully understand what the other person is wanting to resolve in the first place?
We live in a world today that is defined by a stark division. I'm not going to claim that all of today's societal woes will be healed by being slow to speak, slow to anger and quick to listen, but I do believe that by following James three step advice we will be on the right path to God's design for our walk with Him. I write that with confidence because the very next verse in James 1 tells us that "human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." James 1:20. Refrain from the urge to argue, avoid swift judgment on your neighbor, and use the two ears God gave you twice as much as the one mouth he provided.
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